Who did Billy Mays play for?
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
