allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
