She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
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