He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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