we're chasing vodka with high fives
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
