So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
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Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
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Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize