put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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