Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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