I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
We were destined to go to rehab together
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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