I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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