New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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