Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Randomize
