My sheets look like a crime scene.
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
