so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
