I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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