Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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