So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
