so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
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