Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
