forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
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I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
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I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
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