I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
so let's talk penis.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Randomize
