I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
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Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
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A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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