They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
