You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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