i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
