Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
