So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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