Are we in a gay sports bar?
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Randomize
