Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
