i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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