I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
