remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
