I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
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