you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
