I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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