I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Randomize
