I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I pour the whiskey from now on
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
