Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
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