its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Randomize
