I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
