I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
