He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Randomize
