I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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