as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Randomize
