He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
