I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Randomize
