dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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