I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
We don't watch enough power rangers
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
