how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
