fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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