she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
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