NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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