youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
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