My liver just broke up with me...
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
