I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
