i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
