I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
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